In January I felt all fired up about blogging. I decided that this would be the year that I really commit to it. I gave myself a goal, reaching the relatively small total of 150 followers. But then after a while just crossing 100 would have been enough for me. I really really tried. I got a new layout, I got a DSLR. My photos are better. I write more frequently. I write on varied topics. I got an ad on for a while. I have a pattern of outfit photos then not/toy posts usually. I post regularly, every Tuesday. I comment all over the place. I've really poured out my heart in some posts, shared so much of who I am here.
It's true, I've seen an increase in hits, and in comments. I love the people who do comment and stick with me, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. There are some people who leave really lovely thoughts and I feel like I've developed a comment-relationship with them. However, the fact that I've had more hits but not more followers seems like a sign that this blog is not a place people want to stick around at.
I have avoided writing this because it is such a pity post. However, I feel the need to get some of my stress off my chest as the year winds down and I reflect on what I haven't done. At what point is keeping a blog like this silly? I am not going to pretend I exist on a plan where external validation is not wanted. When I write something thoughtful about feminism, I like to know that other people have engaged with it. When I put up photos of my outfits, I want to know people like them. When I share my toys, I enjoy people celebrating the cuteness and joy with me.
If writing and posting photos was just for me, it wouldn't be on the Internet. Oh it is nice to have a record of my outfits for the last few years - but my Pinterest page does that for me. The longer I keep it going without seeing interest the more it seems like the world tells me this isn't worth it, that I'm all wrong. I feel like I'm speaking into a void a lot of the time rather than a community.
Of course, I enjoy blogging. I've got a lot more into photography and I like having a place to share the things that make me happy. It's just as the end of year approaches I can't help but feel a sense of failure. There's a number of anxiety issues that accompanies this pity. Am I boring? Am I not pretty enough? Is it my weird teeth?
In my head there are lots of things I still want to blog about - what does marriage mean, why do I hate Lone Ranger Lego, how can I wear that spotty hat that doesn't go with anything...
So I don't feel ready to let go yet.
And if blogging is dead, I wish mine had lived a little more first?
On the outfit front...
I'm wearing a velvet shirt that I found in a charity shop and a scarf that belonged to my Dad, and then everything else I'm wearing is from New Look. Even the necklace and the handbag. Except for the earrings. I made them that morning from my jewellery making kits just to go with the outfit. I haven't done that in a long time!