For the last two weeks I've been really down, perhaps even since the wedding. Not about being married, but so much of my energy was put into it that there wasn't time to dwell on anything else, and I always had that happiness to look forward to. Now I keep feeling really forlorn about who I am. I am especially worry that my work isn't good enough and feel like I am stupid, or losing intelligence. I look back on my first class degree as some vague achievement of the past, even if it was a few years ago, and question how on earth I did so well. Whenever I find my work difficult I instantly start to feel like I am a failure. Now that I've been in the job for a while, I should know more than I do. Instead so much is still a challenge. I always have to prove myself, to myself. I want to know everything, and I'll at least settle for a lot more than I know now. And then because I am feeling down about my own intelligence I don't work as well, and then I am sad because of my own sadness! How silly eh?
When I feel down I try and listen to this one Amanda Palmer song, In My Mind. It's about wanting to be the person you are now, not wanting to be the person that you wanted to be now when you were 15. Well, you just have to listen to it. If you aren't going to bother with any other, please give this a go.
However, there's a new one that leaves me feeling both sad and strengthened. Yes, perhaps it is appropriation of Doctor Who, but telling yourself 'I am bigger on the inside' is also uplifting. This one is pretty raw with emotion though I warn you.
I have written about my admiration for Amanda Palmer many many times on this blog. I wrote about the recent gig of hers I went to see just 2 weeks ago! I even have a special tag on the blog just for my love of her and Neil Gaiman who are the dream pairing of my world. I have liked her music since I was about 13 and that liking slowly grew to love. Her songs have power. A lot of bullshitis thrown her way, but she is always a source of calm and joy in my life, and album after album I have loved them all. As a result I also have a wardrobe of Amanda Palmer t-shirts! This is just one of them.
Oh and if you like unusual fashion in any way, go to one of her gigs. People wear the most awesome things.
|Confused? Theatre Is Evil is her latest album title. Just go with it.|
There's one last song that is making my life happier at the moment. It's a bit more twee perhaps than any others, but having just got married - a song that really believes that 'there's nothing love can't do' is pretty damn good to dance around the kitchen to.