I am an insecure person. I'm afraid that I fail at the very things I want to be the best at. When faced with opportunities to live out my dreams, to do those things I've aimed all my life for, or profess to enjoy and be skilled at, I smack into a conviction that I can't do them. There are definitely moments I have said no because I didn't want to show myself to be useless.
Sometimes I find myself even avoiding repeating things I have achieved in the past by convincing myself that those were one-offs, flukes, luck, or just a good day. I couldn't be successful again.
The biggest example of this for me is writing. When I was 5 I wanted to be an author. When I was 14 I wanted to be a journalist. When I was 19 I wanted to be a literature academic. When I was 22 I wanted to be a mythology expert. When I am 25 I have the chance to make something of it all, and I am still not enough.
I got a first for my degree in English Literature. In fact I got a couple of 80s whilst I was there, a dissertation that I really loved and a tutor who encouraged me. I've written beat poetry that has some glimpses of magical use of rhythm and words. I've had work published in online magazines, and I've written a blog and a diary and many short stories on my computer. I never stop trying to write.
Yet when I see the chance to create something big, every sentence feels it would be better off if it was a copy of someone else's. I'm always comparing my work to other people, and just waiting for someone to call me out and say 'You can't do it'. 'You're not imaginative'. 'You're not a great writer. You never will be'.
'You should just stick to simple tasks, and be a neat, organised, punctual person, who gets things done with no great stroke of genius behind you'.
Everyone wants to be special, but surely not everyone can be. What if I've had the wrong ambitions all along?
In other news, Sunday was beautiful and Andy and I went for our first picnic of the year. We went full on British for it with scotch eggs, pickle and mini pies with bread and duck pate. Oh yes. Despite my current mood of introspection the weekend was a perfect one of good food, photographing ducks, ice cream in the sun, and lots of Star Trek episodes with wine in the evening.