In which I disappointed by my life and by rejection emails

This blog post is mostly just me crying to the world. I’m giving you a warning. Maybe this isn’t appropriate for my blog, but this blog is about me so why not get all of me?

I thought I was getting an article published. I applied to have my dissertation published and the guys editing the books said ‘How about writing something on Neil Gaiman’s children’s literature?’ I wrote them an abstract. They said they loved it. They were looking forward to reading it. I took time off to talk to my diss tutor. I spent most of August writing it. I got it proofread. All was seen to be great.

I got an email this morning saying ‘Sorry but we won’t be using it’.

I wrote it because they asked me to!

Edit: I want to add that they have now replied giving me detailed and fair feedback. I think ultimately I am not at the level of academic brilliance required. It was probably a good essay for degree, maybe even masters, but it lacked the quality required. I am obviously still frustrated but I feel a lot better for having had further communications with them.

It is my life dream to have something published. I have wanted to since I was 4. I have a story I wrote when I was that age and I have continued to write since so this does feel like a kick.

It is not the first time this year that I have been rejected for my dream. I applied to go on the JET programme. A programme for teaching English in Japan. It had a ridiculously long application process, but I got to interview stage and so did my boy. Then on the day of our 3 year anniversary we got the rejection letters.

I’m so depressed. I don’t know what I am doing with my time or my life.

You know why all this is worse? Because I am having a terrible year. I said to my boyfriend a while back, “If we get to go to Japan it will make all the disappointments of the last year insignificant”. However we didn’t get to go.

I have had a few jobs and now I have nothing. Every day I job hunt. I apply for several things a day. I have not got offered one single interview in the past month.

I feel that I have a strong CV. I have a lot of work experience in comparison to other people my age. I have the work experience required by the jobs I apply for. I am passionate, creative, organised and I feel I have done some pretty cool things with my life. I got a first for my degree and founded a craft fair. I make cute jewellery, I have read every children’s classic you can name and my boyfriend thinks I look hot in my fencing gear.

I am a mix of geeky and active. I have played Dungeons and Dragons, but I also collect iD magazines and play Frisbee. I speak a little Japanese and have a qualification in marketing.

I might not know html and Campaign Commander (like they often want) but I do know InDesign and Microsoft and I can learn!

I have all this experience, so why won’t anyone employ me?

The thing that makes all this worse is of course that I am stuck in a viscous cycle. I am lonely and miss my friends and my boyfriend. Without any good thing to look forward to the day is a dreary endless list of things I should do. The only fun I have is playing video games. If they were here I might be more motivated to do these applications knowing the guy I love is next to me or that we were going to the pub in the evening. However we cannot live together again till I have a job. I don’t have the motivations for a job because I miss him. Although missing him should be the motivation!

Like I said in my last post, I try to find happiness in small things: in sunshine, in becoming a Peggle master, in reading books.

Yet this email this morning, telling me that once again I have been rejected is really the last straw.

I need something to make me feel confident, to make me hold myself up and be proud